Last July, we Ferberized The Boy, with great success. Everyone was better rested and healthier. It was a good thing for the family.
Over the months, I'd let some of our good habits slide, mainly because things seemed to be going so well, but also, as a dear friend said to me yesterday, "life gets in the way." In the beginning I was very diligent about telling The Boy how much time we had to do an activity. (For instance, "it's fifteen minutes until bedtime" or "we have two more books until bedtime.") But I have slacked off in recent weeks. I had also forgotten how important those cues are to The Boy and to sleep training. It gives him expectations and prepared him for bedtime to arrive. If I'm not giving him the cues, bedtime can seem to come suddenly, when he's not ready. My cues let him prepare himself.
Anyway, over the last few of weeks, The Boy has begun rejecting naps on the weekends (but not at school), and putting up quite a struggle at bedtime too. In our desperation to get him to sleep, The Working Dad and I had fallen into some of our old tricks and habits: forehead tickles until he dozed off, rocking to sleep, lulling him to sleep in the stroller, letting him watch TV to get drowsy. Most of these things are nice (I looooove rocking him and would rock an 18-year-old him if he'd let me). But they are also sleep crutches, and the goal is to get him sleeping on his own without needing the forehead tickles.
I'm not entirely sure from where the recent sleep problems emanate. I am given to understand that toddlers reject sleep in an effort to assert control over their world, and that this sort of sleep struggle is not uncommon around the age of two. He's almost two, so that may be it. I think, though, the problems are a combination of his natural rebellion as an almost-two-year-old and our having slack off on the routine.
Also at play is the potty. We've added potty time to our bedtime routine, which necessarily takes away time post-bath for reading, singing, and generally winding down.
Anyway, whatever the reasons for the sleep difficulties, the entire family seemed to be heading into sleep deprivation city again, and needed to change direction before it got more serious.
So this week, we reintroduced Dr. Ferber to our household. We needed to re-assert and re-establish our routines.
Night 1.1, January 30, 2013
Just like last time, it took The Boy about an hour's worth of screaming and crying to settle down on Ferber Night 1.1. Also like last time, it was incredibly difficult to hear him scream and cry, but we remained calm and a united front. He cried out alternately for me and The Working Dad. He would moan, "Noooooo." It was just horrible. But more difficult for him than me, I realize.
We checked on him at 3 minutes, five minutes, seven minutes, ten, twelve, and fifteen. He fell asleep before the next 15 minutes had passed. He woke up briefly about 45 minutes later, but settled down before three minutes (the first check interval) had passed. I waited around another 30 minutes to see if he would wake up again (writing the beginnings of this blog post, actually), but he stayed quiet. So I brushed my teeth, went to kiss The Working Dad (who was working late upstairs) goodnight, listened at The Boy's door (a screen door so we can actually look in and hear better) to check on him, and then went to bed. He woke up again at 12:49, but again fell silent again before the first check. He woke up for the morning at 5:06 a.m. (and Ferber says that if the kid is awake after four, the night is over). He was a cranky, cranky boy when he woke up and for the first hour. We think he was still mad at us from the night before. By six, though, he was his cheerful, goofy self.
Night 2.1, January 31, 2013
I picked The Boy up early from school so we could go feed water fowl (ducks, coots, geese, scaups, and gulls) at the park. (The coots ate right from our hands!)
We got The Boy's dinner to him earlier than we have been doing, with the goal being that we would be starting our evening routine before 7 o'clock, leaving plenty of parent/child time, post-bath. Bedtime is 8:00 p.m. these days, so getting started before seven gives wiggle room for the potty time. This night I was the ultimate in sleep-training clock-watcher. I told him how much time we had left for dinner, potty time, bath, and reading books. And as the time ticked away on each activity, I would remind him of the reduced amount of time. ("Five more minutes of bath." "Only three minutes until bedtime, time for one more book.")
We could not have had a nicer evening. It was an absolute pleasure reading books as he would bring them to me. (He gets to choose from a stack.) Each time we would finish a book, I would tell him how much time we had left until bedtime. It was so peaceful.
When bedtime came he fussed ever so briefly and then went to bed without at tear or a scream. Miraculous after the screamapalooza the night before . . . .
What's more, dinner, potty and bath were also easier. We've also been having recent battles about dinner and moving from the potty (which he would sit on all night, I'm convinced) to the bathtub. But tonight, with me telling him how long he had for each activity, he very willingly moved from one activity to the next when I told him time was up.
Just as I had suspected, what was needed was for The Working Dad and I to reassert our authority. The Boy needs for us to be in charge. He's more content and secure when he knows Mom and Dad are in control of the situation. One day, that won't be true, of course, but for now, for this toddler, it's the only way to be. It is clear to me that my boy benefits from and is happier with a clear, predictable structure. (It should come as no surprise to me that he's this way because his mom also succeeds with a bit of imposed order.)
So I'm calling the thing, after only two nights, a success. (At least until the weekend, when we shall see how the naps go.) We are a Re-Ferberized Family. And it is our family that is Ferberized, not just The Boy. All three of us have to observe the structure and schedule, or it all falls apart. It's sleep-training the child, sure, but what it really is is a commitment by the parents to create a stable, predictable world for their little guy during a time when so much changes for him so fast. And for The Boy, Dr. Ferber's method works to provide that structure.
Nighty-night, y'all.
