I missed this article when it was first published in November 2012, just before the election. A law school pal posted about it on Facebook today and it caught my attention.
A little girl with two dads wrote to Barack Obama to thank him for supporting gay marriage. In her letter she relates how her classmates think her dads' relationship is "gross and weird." She writes, "[I]t really hurts my heart and feelings. So I come to you because you are my hero. If you were me and had two dads that love each other and kids at school tease you, what would you do?"
Bless her sweet little hurt heart.
I have some gay friends. Some of them are single. Some of them are as married as gay people can be in Texas in 2013. Some of them are somewhere in between.
Some of them have kids.
And their kids are gorgeous little creatures, just like my gorgeous little creature.
And these gay parents, they experience all the same things that The Working Dad and I experience: They get puked on. They stay up late with infants and/or sick toddlers. They have to juggle work and family. They delight in giggles. They get terrified when the baby runs a little too far and a little too fast and a little too close to the street. They play hide-and-go-seek. They're just like me.
Except no one ever looks sidelong at me and The Working Dad when we walk through the mall with The Boy. No one ever asks if The Working Dad is The Boy's uncle or if I'm his auntie. It has crossed no one's mind to suggest to The Boy (though he is yet too young to understand such a comment) that it would be wrong to have the parents that he has. I can't walk in those shoes the way they can walk in my parent shoes.
Far be it from me, a straight lady, to even try to understand what it must be like. But I do know a little bit about discrimination and being the odd person out. I've been the only woman in a courtroom of men . . . and in said courtroom where the three letters, P-M-S, were uttered by my opposing counsel on the record in an obvious jab against me. (Thankfully, the Judge -- who happens to be gay, by the way -- made it quite clear that such comments were neither welcome nor helpful.) Anyway, I understand a little bit about standing out in a crowd of otherwise equals. So I have empathy.
And I sure know what it's like to be a parent and never to want your child to hurt or be teased.
One of my gay friends -- one of two dads, a work colleague -- once expressed concern to me about how kids and parents may treat his kids when they enter school. It's an understandable concern, here in The Bible Belt. And I have had another friend relate that someone once told her child that it was wrong to have two mommies. That letter above illustrates that it does happen and it does hurt the children to whom it happens. I'll never have to face this particular heartache head-on.
No matter what you think of the morality of same-sex relationships, imagine how much that teasing hurts the child. She loves her parents with all of her heart. Imagine how much it would hurt you to see that sort of pain in your child. The good news is that a lot of people do seem to be sensitive to the feelings of the child, which, to me, is the most important thing.
Personally, I am so very glad that The Boy is going to grow up thinking that families look differently. He will never have the experience I did of asking a little boy in preschool whether the color of his skin rubs off. (Yes, the pre-school me really asked that question.) The Boy will always understand that skin comes in a rainbow of colors. And gay people will not seem exotic and scary to him. They will merely be part of the canvas that is his American world. And some of them will be his friends' parents.
It's not just a cultural diversity point I'm trying to make. It seems silly to even feel the need to say this, but the kids with two dads or two moms are just kids. They are just like the kids with heterosexual parents. They act the same way, like the same things, and love the same way. And their parents are just parents too. This is the world we live in and these are the people in it. They deserve respect. They deserve to be treated like every other parents, and their kids deserve to be treated like every other kid. And as for our children, this is the world they are growing up in.
Whatever value structure you may instill in your children, I hope that it contains that component of sensitivity, even if your family disagrees with the concept of a homosexual parenting unit. These are just kids and they deserve to be treated like kids, no matter who their parents are. These kiddos -- the letter-writing little girl -- do not deserve to be bullied and teased because their parents are gay any more than a kid deserves to be bullied because of the color of her skin or because he has freckles or speaks with a lisp.
I hope my gay friends' kids never hear, "that's gross and weird." I hope that their sweet little hearts never hurt like the little letter writer. But, realistically, they probably will. I know where we live. But I also know that my friends will be prepared to handle it with grace, patience and love. I hope that the parents of the kid that may make such a comment will also be prepared to handle it sensitively and gracefully.
