And now I'm writing, not to eat crow, exactly, but to say . . . . .
Every parent must use the methods and techniques that are right for them and their child . . .
And to say that what is right at Time A may not be the right choice at Time B.
Every parent must use the methods and techniques that are right for them and their child . . .
And to say that what is right at Time A may not be the right choice at Time B.
And so here we are: In our Working Family Bed.
How did we get here?
It started a few weeks ago, when The Boy started waking during the night. Rather than employ Ferber, I would just bring him into our bed. It was easier. And having him there to cuddle was kind of nice. We had him in our room from the day we brought him home until July 2012 -- well into his second year. And, although everyone has been sleeping better and not getting sick anymore since we moved him to his own room, there wasn't a day in which we didn't miss him in our room.
We turned to Ferber last summer because The Boy would keep us up for hours on end in the middle of the night, and all of us were getting physically ill from the lack of sleep. And when I say ill, I mean, "need a Z-pack and a chest X-ray" kind of ill. It worked so quickly, the Ferber method, and everyone was happier for it, and better rested.
We turned to Ferber last summer because The Boy would keep us up for hours on end in the middle of the night, and all of us were getting physically ill from the lack of sleep. And when I say ill, I mean, "need a Z-pack and a chest X-ray" kind of ill. It worked so quickly, the Ferber method, and everyone was happier for it, and better rested.
That is, until a few weeks ago. I can't really articulate why it was different, but it was different this time. The Boy is older and he's a good sleeper, but he was consistently waking at night. He said he was having bad dreams and was scared. And this age, going-on three, is when those sorts of things start. So when the wakings started, it didn't seem right to employ Ferber, right away. (Actually, even Ferber says not to leave them to cry when they have nightmares.) So I'd bring him downstairs to our room when he would wake.
Soon, I started to feel the old exhaustion from the pre-Ferber days. I started to feel unwell. I was getting wrung out by the process: put him to bed in his own bed, go to bed in our bed, wake up middle of the night when he called for me, get up and bring him downstairs, get him settled, get self settled. I was easily losing an hour or more of sleep each night. No bueno.
Soon, I started to feel the old exhaustion from the pre-Ferber days. I started to feel unwell. I was getting wrung out by the process: put him to bed in his own bed, go to bed in our bed, wake up middle of the night when he called for me, get up and bring him downstairs, get him settled, get self settled. I was easily losing an hour or more of sleep each night. No bueno.
So we (or maybe just I) decided we needed to reFerberize The Boy. I felt guilt, too, for disrupting his sleep training, once again.
But this time, the progressive waiting process was awful beyond any sort of level of awfulness of the prior go 'rounds. And it just felt wrong this time. Call it a mother's instinct. Ferber was not the right call this time.
So what to do? We weren't going to do Ferber again, but I couldn't continue the middle of the night wake up process, and have a hope of being healthy and useful.
But this time, the progressive waiting process was awful beyond any sort of level of awfulness of the prior go 'rounds. And it just felt wrong this time. Call it a mother's instinct. Ferber was not the right call this time.
So what to do? We weren't going to do Ferber again, but I couldn't continue the middle of the night wake up process, and have a hope of being healthy and useful.
The solution: we put The Boy to bed in our bed, with no intermediate stop in his own room.
Actually, we ask him where he would like to sleep each night, so he knows he still has the option to sleep in his room, if he wants it. And we are all much happier, and better rested, for it. I'm not going to say it is perfect: I woke up with little feet kicking me in the small of my back this morning . . . but it was the morning, and not the middle of the night. We have had solid nights of sleep since we instituted the Family Bed. And that's a very, very good thing.
I don't regret our prior Ferber experiences. He was not sleeping through the night and we all were getting, e.g., bronchitis from being so strung out with so little sleep. When he started sleeping through the night in his own bed, we were all healthier. We needed to get him over the hump to sleep the night through, and that wasn't happening when he was screaming half the night standing in his bed in our room. Having exhausted all other tactics, we needed Ferber's help to get him to sleep the night through.
Now, he sleeps soundly through the night, but for the recent night wakings. Rather than lose an hour or more of sleep every night with night wakings, sleeping communally suits the family's needs right now. The Working Dad and I know that it could be months or years of bed-sharing with the boy, and we're okay with that. It's a small amount of time out of a lifetime, and we're glad to spend even our sleeping moments with him. In fact, our bedtimes have become sweeter, cuddled together in our bed, as we read and listen to "quiet music." I think The Working Dad and I will be a little sad when, one night, The Boy tells us he wants to sleep in his own room again.
The thing to remember as a parent is that parenting is a relationship, not a power play. It's a relationship in which we have the majority of the power, by default, but he is a participant in this parent-child dance and deserves respect. Relationships require constant reevaluation and flexibility. Here, with our child it is no different. And so. Here we bent, so we would not break.
Nighty-night.
Nighty-night.
