Wisdom Shaming

Wha?

A few weeks ago, Emily Yoffe wrote a piece and then a follow-up piece suggesting that if young college-aged women didn't get blotto at college parties, they would be less likely to be rape victims.  A wing of the feminist commentariate went nuts, insisting that Yoffe was blaming the victim to dispense such common sense advice.

Some of the opposition even seemed to suggest that they would prefer the blotto-rapes occur so that the rapists get caught and prosecuted so they wouldn't go on to rape again...as if it's okay to offer one drunk college girl up to the rape gods in order to save five...as if there's a guarantee of prosecution when the victim was too drunk to remember exactly what happened?  It was surreal. 

Disturbingly, though, American college culture seems to revolve around drinking.  Example:  I saw a  series of photos recently of a sorority chapter's cooler decorating competition in advance of the big game against their long-time rival.  Lest you think that these coolers were destined to contain Capri Suns and orange slices, one of the young ladies had decorated her cooler with the phrase "Hakuna La Vodka."

How very drunk Disney princess of her....

But I was a drunken sorority girl too, 20-odd years ago, and it was a binge-to-blotto culture back then as well. I was fortunate to have friends, who were gracious enough to help keep me out of trouble -- and hold my hair as I puked -- the times I drank too much.

And the times I didn't, well, my sorority sisters and other friends were lucky enough to have me as a driver. In one instance, I actually helped carry a pledge, too drunk to stand, home from a fraternity party and sat with her through the night to make sure she was okay.

But none of that was okay -- then or now.

What if my friends hadn't been there for me?  What if I hadn't been there for them?  What might have happened?  I shudder to think. 

But here's the thing:  we knew it wasn't good for us to drink to excess like that. We weren't stupid or unaware. But we ignored the advice. 

We've got to make it uncool to behave that way. We've got to make maintaining control, even just a little bit, acceptable behavior and not "unfun."

And that means for the boys and the girls too. 

Because, I've got to tell ya', I am aware of instances where the sorority-girl-network failed some of my peers and they were harmed. And that is horrible.  Horrible and tragic.

Obviously, I think that we parents should educate our boys about respect for women and acceptable behavior toward women. That means starting early. It includes teaching them what consent is and that a drunk girl can't really give it.  And these boys are the most likely to be harmed by alcohol poisoning or other physical risk taking behavior. For their own safety, they should drink less. 

It also means teaching girls how to protect themselves from a potential assault:  don't accept drinks from strangers; don't drink to black out; do travel in packs with trusted friends; do be wary when a drunken boy takes your hand to lead you away (if he's really into you, he'll be okay with accepting your phone number and calling you in the morning).

Giving that advice is not blaming the victim/potential victim of rape. It's giving her tools to avoid becoming a victim.

I'll tell you something else:  it is not a feminist statement to get shit-faced drunk.  I think there is a certain subculture of the feminist culture who thinks that it's an affirming feminist act to be as loud and as raunchy as any 19 year old frat boy out at the party barn.  All I have to say is, really?

The college drinking culture makes sobriety, even moderation, uncool. So the girls get sloppy and the boys lose inhibitions, and everyone forgets the good lessons they were taught.  This has nothing to do with feminism, and everything to do with an American society that has failed to teach its young people how to handle alcohol and the situations that alcohol can create.

I'm not sure how we change the binge-to-blotto culture. If it's not changed in  the 20-odd years since I was a participant in it, I'm not sure it will change organically, or at all. 

But it seems to me that the place it will have to change is at home.  And the time for change is long before these kids set off for college. Parents are totally uncool, by their nature, but I think we've got to start this thing early so it sticks, like music lessons or a foreign language. It doesn't mean our kids won't drink -- or even that they shouldn't -- but maybe they'll be a little bit safer about it when they do if we give them the tools to think it through.  Safer than me and my friends were . . . .