Anyway, the article gives some suggestions on how to talk to your kid about same-sex-parent families, and how to make the reality that they exist a -- well -- reality for your kid. Because, whether you approve of them or not, these families are in your neighborhoods and their kids are in your kids' school. And about the last thing any parent wants (or ought to want) is to find that their kid is bullying or teasing other kids because of who their parents are. Even if you're a straight "gay ally," you can't just assume that your attitudes are going to rub off. So a little attention on the part of the parents is in order.
I confess that my own ability to talk to my son about same-sex parenting has been made infinitely easier by our having a few same-sex parent friends. It's easier to point to The Boy's own friends and say it's like Suzie's dads or it's like David's mommies. Also, the book, And Tango Makes Three, helps.
So, one day The Boy asked me, out of the blue on the drive home from school (as there is not a warning system for "hard" questions), about Suzie's mommy. Suzie (not her real name, obviously), has two dads. And The Boy simply asked, "Where is Suzie's mommy?" It's not that he thought Suzie shouldn't have her two daddies, but he thought she should have a mommy too. He has a mommy, after all. So I very matter-of-factly explained the truth: Suzie's mommy couldn't take care of Suzie, so she gave Suzie to Mr. Jack and Mr. Richard (also not their real names) to raise, and now she is their daughter, so she can have a wonderful life." He said, "Her mommy couldn't take care of her?" I said, "No, she couldn't, so Mr. Jack and Mr. Richard adopted her and they are her parents." And he accepted that explanation without a blink, no further questions.
I confess that my own ability to talk to my son about same-sex parenting has been made infinitely easier by our having a few same-sex parent friends. It's easier to point to The Boy's own friends and say it's like Suzie's dads or it's like David's mommies. Also, the book, And Tango Makes Three, helps.
So I frankly wasn't ever expecting any questions from The Boy on this topic. I assumed that since he sees same-sex parenting first hand that he'd just assimilate it without questions other people get from their kids.
Wrong.
Kids are curious. And they can see that their families look different from each other. Frankly, I shouldn't have been surprised to get a question about same-sex parenting because I've already gotten questions about mixed race kids (and my kid has half-Asian cousins!), kids of different races entirely, the different religions he has encountered among his friends, and "what is God."
Kids notice differences, and they ask questions about those differences, not to be malicious but because they are little detectives, little knowledge sponges, investigating their worlds. Kids just want to understand why things and people are different. They aren't judging. They haven't learned to judge yet. It's we adults with our years of "experience" that judge the differences as better, worse, or not at all.
So, one day The Boy asked me, out of the blue on the drive home from school (as there is not a warning system for "hard" questions), about Suzie's mommy. Suzie (not her real name, obviously), has two dads. And The Boy simply asked, "Where is Suzie's mommy?" It's not that he thought Suzie shouldn't have her two daddies, but he thought she should have a mommy too. He has a mommy, after all. So I very matter-of-factly explained the truth: Suzie's mommy couldn't take care of Suzie, so she gave Suzie to Mr. Jack and Mr. Richard (also not their real names) to raise, and now she is their daughter, so she can have a wonderful life." He said, "Her mommy couldn't take care of her?" I said, "No, she couldn't, so Mr. Jack and Mr. Richard adopted her and they are her parents." And he accepted that explanation without a blink, no further questions.
The key to responding to these questions is to remain calm, to stick to the facts, to make the answer age appropriate and, if possible, to answer the question in the most direct way possible. There's no need to introduce politics or sex or anything else into the conversation with your kid. Frankly, a little kid isn't going to understand the nuances of sexual relationships. They're still in the just-the-facts stage of development, and that's where you should meet them.
Also, answer the question posed to you and then stop there. Your kid doesn't want or need your baggage in trying to process his or her world. It's very similar to explaining to your kid how he came to be in your tummy, and then came out of it. Real life example: "Mommy did you poop me out?" "No, honey, I did not poop you out. Poop comes from a different place in mommies' bodies than babies, but those places are close to each other."
I'm sure there will be more questions one day, and more complicated questions as time goes by, and The Working Dad and I will field them as best we can. As long as we are honest, I think it will be okay. Because I do think that honesty is the best policy even with -- especially with -- your kids.... Cheers.
