In it the writer, mother of "the Hall Boys," explains how she and her sons sometimes look at the kids' Facebook pages and if the mom sees a girl dressed or posed in a way the she deems inappropriate, she makes the kid delete the girl. No second chances. She wants to protect her sons and help them stay "pure."
Regarding the "keeping your kid pure part," I think she's fighting a losing battle, no matter how much she talks to them, how many times they read the Bible, or how hard they all pray. Teenaged boys, throbbing away with testosterone, are going to want to look at scantily clad females, be they peers or in a magazine. And I don't think anyone -- mommy or otherwise -- is going to stop them doing it by going through their Facebook pages and deleting all the 16 year girls who have taken unfortunately provocative selfies. Come to think of it, you're lucky if those selfies are all he's looking at.
But in a post-Steubenville rape trial era, I can sympathize with a mother who wants to protect her sons from the sexual pitfalls of social media. My kid's not yet three, and I worry about when his days as a walking libido arrive. So I get the impulse. You don't want your kid to be the one forwarding some girl's naked ta-ta shot or much, much worse. So policing his Facebook activity is a way to do it.
And the author of the Hall Boys post offers some advice to the girls taking the provocative selfies: she knows you're better than that. She knows you're a good, smart, sweet girl who really isn't as slutty as your Facebook feed suggests. And she wants you to act like it and prove that you are the kind of girl she'd like her boys to date.
I get that too. Because when I see a teen girl with her boobs and/or her booty hanging out, I think about how no one cares about her brain or her opinions because her Ts and A are getting in the way. And that's the sorry, sad truth: when you dress provocatively, you will provoke. And when teenaged girls provoke, they don't really understand what they're doing or inviting. They can't understand it fully, they haven't been there yet. I hate to drag out the tired old phrase "youth and inexperience," but their youth and inexperience necessitates that they don't really know what they're doing.
Hey, if nearly 43-year-old me wears a lacy push-up bra, I know what I'm after, what I'm communicating, and what I'm likely to get. A teenager, not so much. And I've written about this before, on this blog: how the way you dress affects how people think about you. In a post where I mused on the 20-something young professional women bringing sexy back to the workplace, I wrote, "I think that, fundamentally, we [middle-aged female professionals] feel that a sexy appearance means that you are less likely to be taken seriously by your peers." I stand by that statement. And it goes for teenaged girls too. You're not likely to be seen as the next Ruth Bader Ginsberg if your bra is hanging out, whether you're a 27-year-old attorney or a 17-year-old high school senior.
The bone I had to pick with the Hall Boys' mom, upon first reading, was that she basically had a zero tolerance policy. One skanky selfie and the girl was consigned to the Facebook trash bin. I'm thinking, hey, we all make mistakes and especially when we're teenaged girls. Maybe give the girl's mom a call, instead, and say, "I just saw Suzie's tits on Jimmy's Facebook feed, you might want to check it out." (I mean, I couldn't be on the other side of town without my mom finding out somehow, and that was pre-cell phone, pre-Facebook, pre-Internet. Heck, some people still used rotary phones back then. But the Moms Network was in full force in my hometown. Does it not work that way anymore?)
So, anyway, I clicked "like" and moved on, because I sympathized.
Hey, if nearly 43-year-old me wears a lacy push-up bra, I know what I'm after, what I'm communicating, and what I'm likely to get. A teenager, not so much. And I've written about this before, on this blog: how the way you dress affects how people think about you. In a post where I mused on the 20-something young professional women bringing sexy back to the workplace, I wrote, "I think that, fundamentally, we [middle-aged female professionals] feel that a sexy appearance means that you are less likely to be taken seriously by your peers." I stand by that statement. And it goes for teenaged girls too. You're not likely to be seen as the next Ruth Bader Ginsberg if your bra is hanging out, whether you're a 27-year-old attorney or a 17-year-old high school senior.
The bone I had to pick with the Hall Boys' mom, upon first reading, was that she basically had a zero tolerance policy. One skanky selfie and the girl was consigned to the Facebook trash bin. I'm thinking, hey, we all make mistakes and especially when we're teenaged girls. Maybe give the girl's mom a call, instead, and say, "I just saw Suzie's tits on Jimmy's Facebook feed, you might want to check it out." (I mean, I couldn't be on the other side of town without my mom finding out somehow, and that was pre-cell phone, pre-Facebook, pre-Internet. Heck, some people still used rotary phones back then. But the Moms Network was in full force in my hometown. Does it not work that way anymore?)
So, anyway, I clicked "like" and moved on, because I sympathized.
Then, a few hours later, another friend posted this on Facebook, a link to another blog post by a different woman, directly responding to the Hall Boys' mom. This woman, also a Christian, takes issue with the tenor of Mrs. Hall's post that sort of buys into the notion that boys and men are victims of their own biology in need of protection from these teen vixens. This author advocates teaching responsibility to the boys, and not just blaming the girls for dressing seductively and posing in sexy positions. The boys are not victims and it's not that they just can't help themselves. They're equal participants in the teen titillation tango, and should be treated as such.
She writes: "[Modest culture] teaches men to dispose of women who don't fit their mold, under the guise of 'keeping themselves pure.' It teaches men that women exist on a spectrum of worth determined by their clothing and that is is there right as men to determine which women are worth more - and yet, modest culture masks it as 'keeping away from sexual sin.' It teaches men irresponsibility and play it off as 'integrity.'"
She writes: "[Modest culture] teaches men to dispose of women who don't fit their mold, under the guise of 'keeping themselves pure.' It teaches men that women exist on a spectrum of worth determined by their clothing and that is is there right as men to determine which women are worth more - and yet, modest culture masks it as 'keeping away from sexual sin.' It teaches men irresponsibility and play it off as 'integrity.'"
I read that and I thought, "God, she's right." She's talking about slut shaming, right there in the church, disguised as virtue. Without any effort to understand the girl -- she gets deleted for the first offense, after all, because the Hall Boys can't be exposed to a nano-second of provocation -- she is blamed for the boy's impure thoughts. And so I liked that post on Facebook too.
. . . . because I want my boy to be in control of his own body and responsible for his own sexual activities and health. And keeping provocative images from him will not teach him that sort control, nor will it teach him to respect the girls he is banned from seeing. Being what passes for a feminist firebrand in suburban Dallas County, I certainly want my son to see his female peers as people first, and not objects. (It may help in years to come that The Boy has lots of female friends who are very much his equals in every way except, perhaps, volume. He beats them in "loud" every time.)
But the problem with the response blog post is that it does not pose an answer.
The answer is not to shame the girls who dress provocatively.
The answer is not to make boys feel that they are the victims of their libidos and that they just can't help themselves when they see a sexy picture.
The answer is also not to tell girls that they can dress like a Victoria's Secret model, but we'll still think of them as the Supreme Court Justice that they've got hidden deep inside.
The way you dress communicates something to the wider world. Girls must understand this.
But the way a girl dresses is not everything that she is. Boys must understand this.
So since yesterday, I've had these thoughts rolling around in my head, musing as to what the right answer is. I've thought about how I would talk to The Boy about these issues, when he is The Teen, and, specifically, when the inevitable sexy pictures of some classmate or another shows up. Man, that's going to be an uncomfortable conversation, but we're just going to have to have the conversation. And it's going to have to involve what we think is going on in the girl's head and what she might be thinking and how the picture is not the only thing about her. And I'll probably ask him what he thinks of her intellect and what she's good at besides doing fish faces into the camera . . . or something like that. And, yeah, I may be calling Suzie's mom to tell her about the picture . . . . I'm old school like that.
But what about the girls? There's a trend among feminist, I think, to call any criticism of provocative female dress "slut shaming." This is crap. I've written about this topic too:
Umm. Anyway.
I'm not sure what the answer is, but I'm pretty sure it's not an either/or proposition. Girl Mommas gotta find a way to talk to their girls about the messages they're sending when they dress provocatively. And Boy Mommas gotta find a way to talk to the boys about the messages they're receiving and try to turn them around to see the real person in that impossibly short skirt. And we all will be very uncomfortable for about four to six years. At least, I think so . . . Maybe if I start planning now, I'll be ready for this when it comes up for me in a decade or so. I'll let you know.
. . . . because I want my boy to be in control of his own body and responsible for his own sexual activities and health. And keeping provocative images from him will not teach him that sort control, nor will it teach him to respect the girls he is banned from seeing. Being what passes for a feminist firebrand in suburban Dallas County, I certainly want my son to see his female peers as people first, and not objects. (It may help in years to come that The Boy has lots of female friends who are very much his equals in every way except, perhaps, volume. He beats them in "loud" every time.)
But the problem with the response blog post is that it does not pose an answer.
The answer is not to shame the girls who dress provocatively.
The answer is not to make boys feel that they are the victims of their libidos and that they just can't help themselves when they see a sexy picture.
The answer is also not to tell girls that they can dress like a Victoria's Secret model, but we'll still think of them as the Supreme Court Justice that they've got hidden deep inside.
The way you dress communicates something to the wider world. Girls must understand this.
But the way a girl dresses is not everything that she is. Boys must understand this.
So since yesterday, I've had these thoughts rolling around in my head, musing as to what the right answer is. I've thought about how I would talk to The Boy about these issues, when he is The Teen, and, specifically, when the inevitable sexy pictures of some classmate or another shows up. Man, that's going to be an uncomfortable conversation, but we're just going to have to have the conversation. And it's going to have to involve what we think is going on in the girl's head and what she might be thinking and how the picture is not the only thing about her. And I'll probably ask him what he thinks of her intellect and what she's good at besides doing fish faces into the camera . . . or something like that. And, yeah, I may be calling Suzie's mom to tell her about the picture . . . . I'm old school like that.
But what about the girls? There's a trend among feminist, I think, to call any criticism of provocative female dress "slut shaming." This is crap. I've written about this topic too:
I mean, don't get me wrong, a woman's sexy attire does not mean she's asking for a sexual assault. But I just can't get from, "My short skirt is not a rape invitation," to total female empowerment. I guess the point is that we can be what we want to be. We are free women. We can get our boobs out any time we want. Slutty, empowered, independent me! As an expression of outrage, I totally get the Slut Walks. As an expression of female power, I really don't.
Because we can't – we shouldn't – get our boobs out any time we want. We live in a society in which people are judged by their looks, men and women. I’ve touched on this issue before, the fine line between sexy and powerful that women seem to walk. And I firmly believe that if you want to be respected by your peers – and that includes your female peers – you have to dress and act and talk in a way that commands that respect. And that means sometimes, you have to put your boobs away when circumstances dictate. I am not empowered because I have some powerful cleavage. I am empowered because I am well-educated, articulate, professional, intelligent, witty and quick. My powerful cleavage may have turned a few heads in its day, but it has never stood up to oral argument in court like my gray, old, wrinkly brain has. Maybe I just don't get it, but the attempt to reclaim the word slut as a feminist power-word seem so retrograde. Honestly, it feels juvenile, even fatuous. These are not two adjectives I wish to be affixed to my sex.So, yeah. In other words, there's a time and place for getting your boobs out, and the time and the place for getting them out is not "anytime" and "anywhere." It's not slut shaming to say that or admit that. It just is. When you get your boobs out at the "wrong" time or in the "wrong" place, there are consequences, which include that people don't think as well of you as they otherwise might. And girls need to learn that. Learning that lesson is an important component of learning about their bodies and how to control their sexuality. And, preferably, they need to learn it from their moms or other female role models.
Umm. Anyway.
I'm not sure what the answer is, but I'm pretty sure it's not an either/or proposition. Girl Mommas gotta find a way to talk to their girls about the messages they're sending when they dress provocatively. And Boy Mommas gotta find a way to talk to the boys about the messages they're receiving and try to turn them around to see the real person in that impossibly short skirt. And we all will be very uncomfortable for about four to six years. At least, I think so . . . Maybe if I start planning now, I'll be ready for this when it comes up for me in a decade or so. I'll let you know.
(P.S., this all goes for Daddies too, which should go without saying, but I'm talking "momma" because the original two blog posts were by mommas, and because I'm a momma too.)
